I promise me i will be ok

Emotionally dead, too tired to fight...no longer caring about what you did yesterday, or what you didn't do last night.   Riddled with emotions, that remain unimportant and go unheard.   Trying to tell you all the things you don't want to hear.  Determined to show you the things about us you don't want to see.  Only one conclusion left... you feel out of love with me.. 

No longer in love with my smile or the things that make me me.  When you look at me now, there is someone else you want to see.  Someone much different nothing at all like me.  Someone much smaller, much younger than me.  with skin lighter than mine could ever be.  Completely my opposite with more dependent thoughts and ways, but that is the one with which you want to spend your days. 

I want to be mad as hell, I even want to cry, I want to kick and scream and ask myself why.  But the more I think about it the more I see, its plain and simple, your feelings changed for me.  It happens I guess from time to time peoples are entitled to change there mind.  The only problem there is what do you do? It seems so unfair but I don't want to loose, don't want to loose our family that we've worked so hard to make or break our future plans cause there is so much at stake.  So I sit day to day and watch time go by, I no longer speak of the thoughts that are in my mind.  I don't ask to be held or to hold your hand, see I don't think I should have to do that with any man. 

Never thought that would happen not to me and you.  The thought of it all leaves me feeling sad and blue.  So I sit with myself and keep these thoughts within my mind and pray to God that things work themselves out with time.  I figure I will accept the out come either way... will you fall back in love with me or will you go away.  I guess we will figure things out either way, but  till then and after I promise me I will be ok. 

 

 

So i want to talk to my kids, my lil cousins and all there lil friends right now.... let me first start by saying... I LOVE YALL!!! I MEAN THAT WITH ABSOLUTE SINCERITY!! Now i am gonna tell yall some things you need to know cause that is what us older family and generations are supposed to do... Yall need to know that you are gorgeous young woman who deserve the best of everything in life, you deserve to be educated, protected, respected, pampered, set on a pedestal and loved above anything or anyone else outside of your children....

 

You don't deserve to be looked at or used as if you are only good for random one nighters or to be part of a list of side chicks or the main chic that gets cheated on.... it doesn't matter if your child shares DNA with that person or not... matter a fact that is all the more reason to be done with that person cause that means they don't mean you nor their child any good and they conduct there lives thinking only of themselves.... Leave them alone... i am not saying move on to the next bad seed... i mean leave them alone and be with you and yours... there is a wonderful kind of peace that taking care of yourself and your kids with out all the excess trash and baggage piling up outside your door stankin up your house..

 

There is a kind of self esteem that only you can obtain when you can think clearly about your wants your needs and your desires with out any one standing in your way.. (while i have that thought know your kids are never in the way they are there to give u a reason to never give up and make you stronger and keep you wanting more, they will never bring u down but cheer for you on your way up... it is their DNA DONOR that may sometimes hinder your growth and drag you down. Keep that in mind... kids are Gods gift to make you work harder and to your potential)....

 

Remember that it is not required to be with someone that is not for everyone.... those fairy tail stories that end in happily ever  are books of lies... there is no such thing... if you invite and let someone into your life it needs to be someone who protects, respects and adores you and your children anything else is UNacceptable!!! I can say all this be cause i have walked in all of your shoes and had sense and the will enough to take them off and put on a better pair... i was not always married i was a single parent with 4 kids on my own before i was a wife... i been abused (not for long mind u... i don't tolerate that for me or my kids and yes he shared thier DNA but they were better off not knowing him in order to have stable loving childhood see at the end of the day my kids belong to me and i am responsible for there up bringing), i have been cheated on, lied on, had my triangles, hung out like wet cloths.... all that...

 

But i never stopped trying on new shoes.... now with all that said... don't look for advice from those that are walking in your shoes, talk to someone that walked out of them... our family is big yall have options.. i for one am always here for all of yall... out of love and concern and because it is my duty as part of the older generation to teach you what i have learned... so yeah I don't have to look to facebook to vent only to get meaningless responses, just call one of us elders we are here for you it's our job to guide you along your way.

 

And remember that you are never without a man because Jesus is always on your side. So when you get real down and out instead of packing up and going to the club posse up and take each other to church in you'll see how strong you really are with him.

You Never Know....

You never know from day to day, what things may happen or be okay.
Will the person you love be here hours to come or if you will have to go away.
You don't know if you will move and never to lay eyes on them again, or never to see them smile or talk or grin.  Will you be there to hold their hand or let them lean on you when they can not stand. Will the storms come in the night to destroy a life so close in sight.  Will the angels come and take them away or will you go while they get to stay. 

All these are things we don't like to think about, its not the sort of thing we even like to talk about.  But I know all to well that there sometimes comes a day, when those you love are called away.  And when they are there is no time to prepare, not enough words to say how much you care.  There are not enough minutes in the day, to dance with them again or find time to play.  I guess to you all what I am trying to say is, please don't take time for granted today or any day.  Tell people how you really feel while you have time.  Don't let the opportunity pass away or slip your mind. 

Always agree to disagree but always let love be the last thing they hear and last thing they see.  Let them know no matter what you do or what they say, nothing could take your love for each other away.  See when they have gone there is nothing you can do, to satisfy that need in you.  The need you have to let them know, that you love them beyond words and you didn't want them to go.  That you needed them and that they meant so much to your life, it doesn't matter if it is just a friend, a sister, a brother, a mother, a father, a husband, a child or a wife.   Tell them you love them while you have the chance. 

Turn on a little music and take a minute to dance, give them a hug and tell them you love them in what ever way.  There is no shame in love, we need more these days.  Bring joy to their lives while they are alive, so there are no regrets or questions or whys.  Open your heart and remember to say, I am blessed to have you and I love you a little bit more and more with the beginning of every new day. 

Remember Love although four little letters long, lasts a lifetime.  Love openly and Love hard because... You Never know...

*note from the author... to all my family and friends... no matter what... I love you!  just so you all know!  God Bless You All  good nite...

 Sincerely, "Poetry"

 

 

 

WHATS YOUR PURPOSE ... (This Season) ..

Ever sit up and wonder, not just think i mean give deep thought as to what you are really doing here.  You sit and you look at the family and friends around you day to day and wonder, why your here.  Clearly life could go on with out you around, they could make it, they could survive if you weren't in there immediate presence.  Not that you want to leave this earth or anything, don't get it twisted.  Just that you don't feel like you are any longer a unique piece to their particular puzzles.  They could find a similar piece at anytime to feel the void and then what does that make you... an extra in there action movie... no body ever sees the extra. 

And then you go on to think a little deeper, how do you feel about that?  The thought of being invisible to the ones you love the most, the ones who you spend your day trying to make happy, keep save, nourish or just exist for.   You wake up and you realize, you no longer exist to them... you are an extra.  You have spent all of you life on them, you have totally put your self, your needs, your wants, your dreams and your very individual existence on hold for everyone else.

It was never your dream to change diapers, wipe noses, make appointments, play taxi cab driver,  be a counselor, a nurse practitioner, a secretary , a short order cook, a pharmacy tech, a maid, where mom jeans, be clueless to the latest styles or hair dos, not be pampered, complemented, or appreciated simply because your a woman.  That was never you dream.  You were gonna be someone... someone important that people cared for unconditionally and could not live without, not the person that felt undesirable to live with.  Your had enough pain growing up... you didn't need anymore in your grown adult life, your were gonna make your adult life be soo much more... people were just gonna love you for a change.

Then you wake up one day, not from a dream but from life it's self and you realize, your life has become all of what you didn't set out to have it be..  But the most important thing that you realize is that although tomorrow is not promised to you.... It is a new day, you can do new things, you can have a new mindset and you can make new possibilities... Make something new happen... Remember, everything has a season, and although life wasn't glamorous a lot of times along the way, you made the most of your season.  It was you purpose at the time to be everything you were.  But maybe just maybe, that is not the same purpose you have now... maybe that is why you are so restless, so unfulfilled.  you haven't evolved in your new purpose. 

So let me explain in depth that this doesn't mean abandon your family and everyone you love.  No quite the contrary, this means that you un abandon yourself and incorporate yourself back into the equations. Listen to your favorite music on your head phones, you know the kind no one else around you gets but takes you to new levels (old school prince and old school rap for me).  Dance around the house with the kids like your 20 again, find a new hair do, paint your nails, write, draw, go for a walk, watch a sad flick and grab a tissue or two (cry we wont tell), watch a comedy and laugh until you cry... Call someone and just say hello or I'm sorry  that ruined our friendship (finally let it go, don't sweat the small stuff-closure is awesome).  Hold your other half's hand, write them i i love you note or to, tell them how you still love them, and you appreciate what the two of you have together.  Tell them, you appreciate them spending there years with you (we all need to feel appreciated).   Kiss your kids and your partner (you never know which kiss is your last), complement the people you go to sleep and wake up with, everyone in the streets compliment them why don't you (remember, you don't miss what you have until its gone and you wanted enough to go after it a one time.. appreciate it and you'll keep it forever.).

 Look at your self, remember your own beauty, your own likes and dislikes and everything that makes you you.  Remember who you were and analyze who you are today, then tell God to guild you and use you, show you your new purpose,  to take your gifts and amplify them to the world and use them for his good!  Be open be honest be you ... find your self... find YOUR PURPOSE! 

THANK YOU FOR READING... REMEMBER THIS IS... MY POETRY, MY HEART, MY SOUL!   I LOVE YOU ALL.  Later Never Bye

I'VE NEVER HAD ALOT TO GIVE.. JUST MY LOVE

I've never had alot to give except my heart/love... thats all ive ever wanted in return... besides isnt that better than rocks and dead animal skin? To me its The realeat thing you can give or get... its priceless!  So if i say i love you, you should cherish that more than medal, more than motors, more than any fabic or wood... remember.. love/heart can not be insured or replaced...  (value the people u love and love you tomorrow is not promissed its God gift treat those u love as such)... love you

SHE SMILES... Although

She smiles...

She smiles although her heart is full of sorrow,  laughs even when all she wants to do is cry. She looks everyone else and wonders why did happiness pass her by..  why dis she have to suffer, why does she have to feel such pain... why cant she feel good about herself, its hard to go through life faking it it really just isnt the same.  Why must she feel empy and numb on the inside... smiling joking and laughing when all she wants to do is hide...  you would never know to look at her how broken she is insides they years abuse and un-appreciative words still dancing in her mind. She could win an Oscar but the critics dont know her name, but if they did she would still the show with that big ole smile thats hiding years of pain.   So the next time you see her dont envy her life or thank of her as if she has no worries and everything to gain... remember that a smile doesnt always mean someone is happy, sometimes its there to stop the rain.. and shelter the heart from over a load of pain. 

*dont envy anyone cause you dont truly know their story.l